Ariana Apologizes Again and Again

by Kim D.

Ariana Grande licked a donut and said she hated America and Americans. The problem was she didn't know her actions and words were being recorded by a surveillance camera. Actually, no, the real problem was her actions were illegal and caused the donut shop a health downgrade.

@ArianaGrande-Under Calif. law; Food Tampering (Calif. Health and Safety Code Section 347. Google it, it's a felony punishable 2-4 yrs.

— Gere34 (@Gere341) July 9, 2015

So what about the apology? Basically, the first one issued on Wednesday sucked and was nothing more than a PSA for childhood obesity. After proclaiming her American pride, Grande confessed:

“What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words,” Grande said. “As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole.”

“The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison we put in our bodies,” she continued. “We need to demand more from our food industry.” 

The backlash was expected and rightly deserved: 

Ariana's apology should have been about her licking the doughnuts and how disgusting and disrespectful she was. NOT ABOUT CHILD OBESITY SMH

— Joseline (@LipLockZayns) July 8, 2015

ariana's apology summed up: i'm sorry for what i said about the donuts but yall are so fat and ugly

— srh (@definitally) July 8, 2015

Police investigating @arianagrande #donutlicking incident…as a hate crime. Will she lick my donuts? just asking #tcot http://t.co/X8C1uVwdBk

— the punditocracy (@punditOcrat) July 9, 2015

dear ariana an apology is 'I did this and this wrong and im sorry' it's not 'im sorry but here's why I'm right'

— PTX Dads News (@thewaitisogre) July 10, 2015

She must have fired her publicist because today Grande issued another apology. This one was in video form, titled "sorry babes," which hit the mark somewhat better. Hopefully now that she's really, really sorry everyone will cut her some slack.