ROTW Contributor: Angela Durden
Hey, Madeline Albright, thank you for pointing out one way to
get off that hell-bound train. I mean, I know you’re out there helping Mizzrezz
Clinton to be the first woman president. (Excuse me…I’ll…be…gasp! Whew, I had to get some
oxygen there. I’m alright now.) Anyway, when you said that there was a special
place in hell for women who did not support women, I realized that I needed to
offer you a way to confirm you would not be riding that hell-bound train. Of
course, one way is not to support a woman who supports a ra-…ummm, well.
Hmmmm…you know what? I want to take the high road and not get to slinging mud. I
apologize for not being positive.
So,
okay, do you really want to help a woman become financially independent? Are
you sincere in wanting to help her “claim her power” and other such
phrases as have come and gone in the decades long struggle of the Female
Professionally Offended At-All-Things-Male (colloquially known as Feminazis)?
Then,girlfriend, have I got a way for you to get a refund on your long, black trainticket. Yes, indeed. Simply Click Here to Buy My New Novel. I can guarantee you will not be sorry to read it and,
frankly, I can see you enthusiastically recommending it to all your friends
when you appear on Sean Hannity and are interviewed by Rush Limbaugh and
retweeted by The Drudge Report.
In
my quest to represent both sides of the aisle, so to speak, I really, really,
really tried to find a liberal radio talk show host to round out the list, but
dang it, when I googled “liberal talk show hosts”, there wasn’t one name
on it I recognized and all the stations seemed to be podcasts — not there’s
anything wrong with that, but from a marketing point I’m tending to think
“speak once, millions hear”.
Do
you see how much I support you? Yes, I’m not asking you to personally go to
every little hamlet and speak a good word for yours truly. Just mention me on
the popular shows when you go on. I
can even write a script for you so that the mention looks casual and friendly,
and fits in with the interview. My spin would even not be a lie or a stretch of
the truth, so your reputation would remain intact. You won’t have to tell
anybody about that editorial placement at all. Our little secret. Just between
us girls. Tee. Hee.
Fist
bump! High-five ka-POW, right! Go, Girl Power!
But,
hey, don’t let that stop you from mentioning my book when you go on the little
podcasts. I don’t care who reads it, I just want to sell some books. Money is
like, sooooo equal, ya know? Anyway…can you imagine all the good you will do when
other women see you, a powerful woman, speaking up for somebody who truly is
one of the leetul peepul? And at no charge, just out of the
goodness of your heart because you’ve recognized high quality from and true
struggle by a fellow woman?
I’ve tried to grow my platform so
that I could be a household name so that when I said I had a book, why, other
women would just rush right on out to get it. I know the big New York book
publishers these days are so overwhelmed with business that they need their
authors to help them out with marketing. Only so many hours in the day, doncha
know!
But
I’m not a preacher in a big church, I’m not in politics, my ego won’t let me be
a character actor on film, and I just don’t want to do a prison stretch, so
I’ve pretty much had to be one of those women that, in practical and positive
fashions, supports her community — which includes a lot of women, let me tell
you.
That’s right. I’ve been a Productive Member of Society (PMS, for short; the irony is not lost
on me. Good chuckle, huh?) I was a good wife. I was a good mother. I say was because I’m now divorced (hey,
I left him, see how strong I am?) and the kids are grown (thank God), but I did
all that for over thirty years. I started a business many years ago and still
make money with it (though, please don’t get me started about what the economy
did to my loyal customers and, by extension, my income.) I’ve helped out
friends when they were sick. I’ve written a memoir that will make you cry and make you say,
“You go, girl!” I’ve…look,
this is not bragging. Hell, no.
It’s
simply me saying, dear Maddy…may I call you Maddy? You’re such a dear. Anyway,
Maddy, I would hate to think that you condemned all women to hell because
they chose to support other women you may not know about. Throw
away that ticket on the hell-bound train, Maddy dear, and…
BUY.
MY. BOOK.
(Hey,
when you’re in Atlanta, give me a jingle and I’ll pop over to the Ritz and
autograph it for ya while we share a cuppa and a few laughs.)
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